The Nublet

A lot has happened in our world since I last shared with you another unlovely customer interaction. You would think after two years, people would have adjusted to the new "norm"... Hardly anything is as available as it used to be and alternatives often have to be accepted. 

It's only natural that on occasion a business will at some point run out of an item and offer an alternative to their buyer. Normally, normal people are understanding and gracious. There will inevitably come a time, however, that one working in customer service will have the displeasure of interacting with an un-normal: the nublet. What is a nublet you might ask? I have defined it thus: 

Nublet -- a condescending, angry female who falsely accuses strangers and jumps to inaccurate conclusions.

i.e., someone who spends a full-time job hating their life and projecting it onto others while taking refuge behind an electronic device or computer apparatus. 

I'm sure that definition sounds somewhat familiar and has caused you to recall another term you've heard more commonly. But you didn't hear it from me. 

The interaction with such a person unfolded like so.

Miss Nubbins was politely contacted with both an apology for not having her first choice of item in stock as well as an inquiry if any of our alternative options were something that would be suitable for her. 

She snapped back four separate replies. They were curt and pounded out with an entitled, condescending tone that was dripping with disgust and a couple pointed digs. What was I thinking. How DARE I offer an alternative solution. That is so unreasonable of me.

Her first message rudely asked for additional options to the five I had already provided. Her second message implied she wanted a refund and that it wasn't worth it. The third told me to let her know her choices... (are you noticing a pattern here? Options, refund, options.. It seems to be for the better I asked her if there was an alternative she might prefer. She obviously doesn't know what she wants.) The fourth. Ah, the fourth...This is one defining characteristic of a Nublet. Whereas most humans will cool down and think more rationally after time to themselves and a sound night's rest, the nublet will do just the opposite. They will become more enraged as their thoughts are like logs, fueling their own internal, hellish fire. Her fourth message flipped back to demanding a refund, and then the scolding and false accusations began:

"This was a gift for my niece. When I ordered the shirt it said there were three left in the women's small blue. You chose to fill other orders before mine and now five days after paying for a women's small blue shirt I'm being told "we can send a unisex green". It's very unprofessional and I don't want to do business with your shop. Thank You"

First of all, Nubkins, don't twist my words. Everything you said was an inaccurate assumption with the exception of the gift being for your niece and that you don't wish to do business with my shop. My message never indicated I was going to send you a green shirt. It was simply one of the five options I asked if you would find suitable. However, there must have been a reason that color stood out to you above all the rest. Now that I'm considering your suggestion, the color green does seem the most suitable for you. You do have the makings of a monster. Your personality is goopy, your insides are a sickly green, and you spew word vomit to people you don't even know. I'd hate to think how you speak with the people whom you are most comfortable telling your deepest, realest feelings. Furthermore, professionalism isn't something restricted to those running a business. Consumers can act professional too. This is obviously something you know nothing about so I shall try to enlighten you in a simple way your simple mind can understand. Do only restaurant chefs have manners when they eat because they cook the food? Or do the patrons dining also show good manners while eating their meal? When people are partaking of the service provided to them, they should also have manners; otherwise, they are considered rude. In much the same way, if you as a buyer do not display good manners, you are also considered rude. Just because you are a consumer does not entitle you to bratty behavior. Your rudeness does not magically become waived because you have offered to pay money. Good manners are not something you can buy. If they were, I would have gifted you some already. It is rather disgusting for the rest of us to hear you obnoxiously belching your entitled words and baseless remarks so freely. Excuse you. 

Perhaps you haven't considered the deeper meaning of being a professional. Let me break it down for you. A professional is someone who displays high levels of expertise and efficiency. Acting like a professional means working and behaving in such a way that others think of them as competent, reliable, and respectful. It is apparent that you have been the only unprofessional one in this conversation. If there is only one thing we can agree on (as nublets are most disagreeable by nature), it is that I do not wish to do business with you either. Thank you for helping me see that you would be ungrateful for my time and energy spent creating an item for you by hand. 

It has been my greatest delight to refund and cancel your order. Your nubcoins are not welcomed here.

Green looks good on you,

The T-Shirt Nazi

Woodworking

I've noticed that customers like to use analogies while expressing a complaint. Unfortunately for them, their attempt at making the situation more dramatic than it actually is by exaggerating ends up doing the opposite of what they intended for it to do. 

Hi there,

I received the order for my mom and dad that I had ordered. The one for my dad is in great condition, the one for my mom looks made very cheap, and the hankerchief it’s self is so rough! You would think it’s sand paper. I’m embarrassed to give this to her.

Ms. G

__

Ms. G,

Firstly, let me be clear on one thing--I do not appreciate when other people tell me what I am thinking. Secondly, the better thing for you to have said would've been that you think it's sand paper. Either way, you still would have stated an inaccuracy and shown yourself to be delusional. I have never thought of a handkerchief to be such as I clearly know the difference between cloth and abrasive minerals that have been glued onto a paper backing. They're opposites, really. Next, I'd like to address your analysis of the fabric. 

It feels like sand paper, you say? Use it on wood. Let me know how that works out for ya.

Smoother than you,

The Tshirt Nazi

Out of Control

You gotta love how Amazon has ingrained into the minds of shoppers that they can keep a product for free at the slightest indication of dissatisfaction. I don't like when people try to manipulate me with that mentality.

I didn't like this customer who had that mental glitch. I shall call her Dee-Dee.

Dee Dee complains:
I received my package today and I was sad and disappointed I am not sure I will be willing to give this to my husband on our wedding day I think it looks kind of fake and cheap makes me sad… Not sure if you were able to give a partial refund because I am probably going to have to get something else


Notice her uncertain word choices: "I was sad and disappointed..., (past tense emotions) "I am not sure...," "I think...," "kind of...," "makes me sad....," (the emotions strike again) "Not sure if..," "probably going to have to...."
Not only did she choose phrasing that weakens any argument, she also attempted to utilize an emotional sympathy tactic. People do this when they lack facts and are struggling to maintain integrity they do no possess.

This indicated to me she was actually okay with the item, she just wanted to keep it at a lower cost than what she got it for. It's a new mentally online shoppers have adopted and which I have coined with the term "post promos."
Let me define that:
Post promo -- a discount manufactured for customers who manipulate a vendor into applying a coupon to a paid order upon having received the purchased product.

Okay, Dee Dee. I know your type.

In my response, her dissatisfaction was acknowledged, and she was then politely instructed how she could go about returning the item for a refund, which was extremely gracious considering my strict shop policies. See? I'm a good person.


Dee Dee counters:
I work the exact hours that the local post office is open. I literally never can go to the post office. We live in a rural area that also have shortened post office hours. They only are open until 2:45 p.m


The Tshirt Nazi feigns politeness:

Dear Dee-Dee,
While that is an unfortunate situation, please understand it is beyond our control. A friend or family member might be willing to help you out by running the errand for you if you are unable to do so on a Saturday as well.

Note that I've used kind words,
The Tshirt Nazi


The Dee-Dee brat retorts:
I understand you cannot control the post office and are not willing to do partial refund given a poor quality. 

Thank You
Dee-Dee


Tshirt Nazi owns Dee-Dee:

Dumb Dee-Dee,
That is correct. I felt it was quite generous to offer you a FULL refund rather than a partial refund, given our excellent customer service. You're welcome.

With classy sass,
The Tshirt Nazi

Guaranteed

It just so happens I've encountered one of those (hopefully) rare people who seem to speak English quite well but can't seem to comprehend your response in the same language, or perhaps they have an extremely short term memory, something like a bubble-eyed goldfish. I can only imagine what it must be like to have them enter a fast food drive-thru.

Communication with Miss S:

How long does it take to ship these out?
_____
Hello,
Thank you for your interest in our listing! Our current processing time is 3-5 business days, and shipping to another continental US location tends to take around four days.
There are rush processing and/or shipping options that can be selected at checkout if you need the item sooner. I hope this helps!

Kind regards,
The Tshirt Nazi
_____

If I order it today do you know when I would receive it?

____

I would estimate you might receive it by next Saturday, but I'm unable to give an exact date.

____

Ok but I would receive it by the 20th?
___
(Are you noticing a pattern here?)

We cannot guarantee delivery by a certain date, but we can process your order fairly quick and get it in the mail for you. You should have it in time..

____

When can you gaurentee it by?

___

*taps fingers on keyboard slowly as stares at screen*


Really? You really want to go there? Do you not understand that once we place the item into the mail so that it gets tossed around mericilessly through our postal system it is by hope alone that by some gracious miracle, considering you actually gave us the correct shipping address, it actually arrives and we have no control over it? It's called relying on other people. If I were to physically deliver it myself, could you even guarantee me that you'd be waiting for the package at your house by the time I arrived? It is apparent to me that you yourself are not dependable as you are so fearful of our end of the deal not being upheld. Such knee-jerk expectations are a tell-all about someone's personal behavior, as they believe it to be normal and applicable to every being in the human race. Any idiotic circumstance (aka form of human error) could potentially prevent the item from reaching you in the ESTIMATED timeframe. If you are unfamiliar with the meaning of the acronym ETA, I suggest you utilize your computer in a more effective way by typing your next words into the google search engine.

I'm a big believer in efficiency. All things considered, I truly feel it would be simpler to utilize the public mailing system that has been set in place to make transactions like this easier. I'm sure you'd be interested to know that FedEx overnights items at a cost of over $100 and still say that they cannot guarantee the item's delivery by that date. While it is unfortunate I cannot truthfully guarantee a stranger's actions will be executed flawlessly on your behalf, I will gladly offer you the following: if you continue to repeat yourself unnecessarily, you will receive a complimentary no-buy guarantee from the Tshirt Nazi. Tap those keys in front of you wisely.

If you think not, speak not,
The Tshirt Nazi

Customer With Super Strength

Today's notable message of the day was so amusing in its concept I felt I had to make another Nazi post to celebrate the occasion: 

The customer rather politely filed the following complaint to my inbox:

Hi Olivia,

Unfortunately the item is not the quality I anticipated. Not only is it more paper like and thin unlike a handkerchief, it was packaged so as soon as it was (carefully) opened (near the top) the handkerchief ripped because of where it was placed/packaged. Unfortunately not the purchase I would have hoped. I would like a refund for this item and would be happy to return it or send photo if need be.

Thank you,
L


Ms. L,
While it is unfortunate that the item was not the quality you expected, I would like to point out that it is indeed a handkerchief. Perhaps when you read in the description that it was 100% cotton you envisioned its thickness to be something similar to that of a 100% cotton tshirt, also sold in our shop. How much snot does a keepsake handkerchief need to hold? If you wanted a tshirt-thick handkerchief, you should've requested we print the same wording on a shirt so that you could cut it out and have it flop around in the recipient's hand like an old dishrag.
Next, you proceeded to mention that when you "carefully opened" the package the handkerchief ripped. On your behalf, we tried muscling open and tearing in any way possible the packaging and handkerchief, but to no avail. The only possible way for one to carefully open the package and manage to rip the item inside it, using just their hands, could mean only one thing: they are the Incredible Hulk. I am sorry to inform you that you may have a serious case of Hulkina. No doubt you are already quite aware of that unfortunate syndrome as each time you look in the mirror you see a green, lumpy mass. You may have also noticed that the door knobs in your house are hopelessly crunched like aluminum soda cans.
Though it is unfortunate the purchase was not what you would have hoped, it appears we are now even as you are not the customer I would have hoped. If you're going to lie, please come up with something even remotely believable.

Unconvinced,
The Tshirt Nazi

Grasping At Straws

I feel like recognizing this week as NCCW (National Customer Complaint Week). Sure, I made that up, and it's not that I want it to become a "holiday," but it feels like customers all over are recognizing and celebrating it. At my shop. For their mistakes.  

Today, I shall feature another customer who has gotten on my nerves by her obvious attempt to correct her mistake on our dollar.

She first stated:

I just received my order and the onesies are entirely way too small. Can I send them back and exchange them for a bigger size? 

Sorry for the inconvenience,

Miss M

To which I kindly replied concerning the sizes she ordered not fitting that according to our policy and custom products we are unable to accept returns, yada yada yada..

Her reply:

The onesies I received are completely different sizes than each other and they were supposed to be 9 months. So If I wanted to get these fixed, I would have to buy completely new ones?

Dear Miss M,

If the onesies were completely different sizes than each other, why was that not stated in your first convo when you contacted me about them being "entirely way too small"? While you fumble around on your keyboard trying to think up a believable answer, I will prevent your sweat glands from overworking and answer for you. What you said was a weak attempt to get us to offer you a free exchange on personalized items that you failed to order in the correct sizes. 

Perhaps the 9 mo., that is a "completely different size--bigger than the other, (completely)" would fit one of the children, since it's so much different than the other one. 

By the way, you also totally exaggerate everything, which is proven by your choice of wording as follows: "entirely way too small" vs. "completely different sizes."  Allow me to speak on your own terms a moment: you have totally, majorly, entirely, way-completely failed in your analysis of the situation. 

The fact of the matter is that you have purchased the incorrect sizes and want free replacements that my shop does not offer. 

In the future, when you purchase for children who do not belong to you, try to keep in mind that all children's bodies are not created equal. Just because they are 9 months old does not necessarily mean that a 9 months garment will fit them. If you want to grasp at straws when conversing, visit your local barn. I hear they have hay.

With undue respect,

The Tshirt Nazi

It Was A Bad Monday

Everyone always talks about how Monday is the worst day of the week because they have to go back to the routine job or school after a relaxing weekend. It's difficult, right? I can honestly say that usually my Mondays are really great! For the first time I can remember, I had a really bad Monday. Complaint after complaint rolled in starting from very early hours of the morning to late at night. It was the most complaints ever received at one time. It wasn't even funny.
 In total, I had received complaints from five different customers (in ONE day), four of which were from the kinds of people below who sent me messages.
I obviously had to be super nice when actually answering these people, so I wonder...What kind of replies do I REALLY wish I could send them? Hmmmm....
Let us begin with the woman who was too shocked by the beauty of my product online that she failed to read the item description before clicking purchase and complaining once it arrived.


"I received my order yesterday and was shocked and disappointed that I did not see the GLITTER shirt that I ordered. Your photos are extremely misleading."

Dear Mz. T,
The only thing that is shocking, disappointing, and misleading about this situation is your brain, as it has obviously malfunctioned. This unfortunate state of your brain could be due to consuming vast amounts of junk food, being exposed to prolonged doses of radiation from your computer screen after too many hours of online shopping, or failing your third grade reading class. I truly am sorry for your brain cell loss. However, the product listing clearly states the following:

Please note that this t shirt does NOT have actual glitter on it for the safety of your little one as well as the convenience of having a mess-free shirt!

Had you taken the time to read this text which is found near the top of the item's description, you could have avoided the confusion, shock, disappointment, and embarrassment of falsely accusing someone, which you have just endured. We do our best to represent our products as accurately as possible in the photos by placing the exact design we use onto the display shirts in our shop, without any editing or photo changes. It's like a woman who doesn't wear make-up. There's nothing misleading or fake about her face. That being said, your mug is more misleading than the photo I posted online. I wonder what you would say to your fiance if the first time he saw you without make-up he exclaimed, "I saw you without make-up on for the first time yesterday and was shocked and disappointed that I did not see the GLITTER-EYED beauty that I proposed to. Your face was extremely misleading."
You'd probably tell him to get lost. I'm telling you to do the same.

Laying out the facts,
The Tshirt Nazi
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Brief Rendition-

"My package has been somewhere in my apartment building for a week, but I don't feel like looking for it! Also, the more I think about it, I don't think it's fair that I should have to buy another one to get it delivered by USPS straight to my apartment door. Please send me a new one free of charge, and I'm willing to pay a small amount to barely cover the shipping cost. Otherwise, I'll just buy another one off of amazon."

Mz. Y,
.... *blink* *blink* Was that a ...threat? Ha..haha..hah...hahahahaha!!! *abruptly cuts laughter short.* *eyes narrowing; low, sinister voice* Then go buy one off of amazon..
Threats? Empty threats. Get off your lazy can or pay for the convenience in full.

Tired of people like you,
The Tshirt Nazi
_________________
The next complaint we received was from--Ah, yes...Those... wonderful girls who are about to get married only are no longer acting very sweet, at least to anyone other than their fiance--the Bridezilla.

"I am very upset with how my name looks... I personally think it looks horrible and this is not how I pictured it at all. I'm almost embarrassed to give this as a gift on my wedding day. Your pictures that you have online are 10 times better than what I have received. The font is huge. I feel like I just wasted my money."

Dear Mz. X,

I'm sorry that you don't like how your name looks in the font we show in the sample photo of the item you bought, but, on the bright side, if you're giving it away as a gift, you won't ever have to look at it again. I'm sure that the recipient of the gift won't be so vain about your name that they hand it back and tell you they're embarrassed you even would think to give them a gift with your name in such a widely used, popular script font that is used and sold on items all over the world wide web. I can make the size of the text smaller for you if you care to re-order, but then it will no longer match the sample item in the display picture, nor would your name. It appears that you clicked "buy" on an item you didn't actually like. You seem to want to change everything about it that you had seen before you purchased. In the future, if you don't like what you see in the sample picture posted online, you may want to avoid purchasing it because chances are it will match the photo you saw exactly, and you'll be very unhappy you received what was advertised. I have to agree with you: you did waste your money. I've never known anyone else who would pay approximately $23.00 total merely to have a seemingly "valid" reason to complain about getting an item as you saw it online. You could have messaged me for free to say you didn't like what was shown in my pictures.

With the gift of common sense,
The Tshirt Nazi

*Second message consisted of two photos of the product we sent her.* It looked flawlessly beautiful. Because it was.

Dear Mz. X,

Thank you so much for taking the time to send in these BEAUTIFUL customer appreciation photos! I'll be sure to post them on our facebook page right away. :)

The Tshirt Nazi

How I'd love to see her reaction to that one!

_______________

"I received the handkerchief today. The writing is beautiful, however I am very disappointed in the way it was shipped. Half the bag was ripped, and the hankerchief is so wrinkled it is very disappointing."

I'm sorry to hear that the packaging was damaged when it arrived! It must have happened somewhere along the line during transit.. I'm very thankful that the handkerchief itself wasn't ripped like the packaging.
As for the handkerchief being wrinkled, if you press it with a heated clothes iron, it should restore the handkerchief's crisp, new look that unfortunately was disturbed during shipment.
I apologize that this occurred during your item's shipment! :/

Sincerely,
The Tshirt Nazi
(Wasn't that kind? Wait for it....)


"This is very disappointing. I don't have time with my wedding coming up so quickly to be pressing an item that I ordered new and was shipped in cheap wrap. What is your return policy and I can order from somewhere else."

Oh, so you wanna start the insults, eh? Fine by me.

Undear Miss. Bridezilla,
Allow me to notify you up front that you are beginning to annoy me. I do not accept insults. I simply hand them back to the person who issued them without my consent. You are cheap. Where is your return policy? I decided I don't want to put up with you.

You're about to be banned from my store,
The Tshirt Nazi

"I would have thought you would have offered a replacement product shipped in better condition. I will be sure to record this in my review."

King Kong's Sister:
You did not want a replacement nor do you need one so why under the name of common sense do you believe I would offer a jerk-face like yourself one? You wished to return the undamaged item and to purchase elsewhere. I'm not stopping you from buying somewhere else. In fact, I'm totally encouraging you to do so. Your excuse about being too busy with the wedding to take a few seconds to iron the hanky is ridiculous. First, you wanted a refund because of something the postal service did. When that didn't work, you subtly threatened to leave a bad review if not offered a replacement. Waiting for a new item to arrive takes far longer than it would for you to iron 500 handkerchiefs, let alone one. In all the time you have spent with your frivolous messages and writing a review which will not affect my impeccable 5-star rating, you could have pressed the handkerchief and retained the permission to purchase from my shop. By your own annoying personality and lame excuses/threats, you are hearby forbidden from purchasing from my shop for the next 5 years. Should you attempt to place an order, it will be promptly canceled and your money withheld as a fine for obstructing the peace, internet loitering, harassment, trespassing, violation of my shop's policy terms and regulations, and breaching probation.

No products for you,
The Tshirt Nazi
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