Grasping At Straws

I feel like recognizing this week as NCCW (National Customer Complaint Week). Sure, I made that up, and it's not that I want it to become a "holiday," but it feels like customers all over are recognizing and celebrating it. At my shop. For their mistakes.  

Today, I shall feature another customer who has gotten on my nerves by her obvious attempt to correct her mistake on our dollar.

She first stated:

I just received my order and the onesies are entirely way too small. Can I send them back and exchange them for a bigger size? 

Sorry for the inconvenience,

Miss M

To which I kindly replied concerning the sizes she ordered not fitting that according to our policy and custom products we are unable to accept returns, yada yada yada..

Her reply:

The onesies I received are completely different sizes than each other and they were supposed to be 9 months. So If I wanted to get these fixed, I would have to buy completely new ones?

Dear Miss M,

If the onesies were completely different sizes than each other, why was that not stated in your first convo when you contacted me about them being "entirely way too small"? While you fumble around on your keyboard trying to think up a believable answer, I will prevent your sweat glands from overworking and answer for you. What you said was a weak attempt to get us to offer you a free exchange on personalized items that you failed to order in the correct sizes. 

Perhaps the 9 mo., that is a "completely different size--bigger than the other, (completely)" would fit one of the children, since it's so much different than the other one. 

By the way, you also totally exaggerate everything, which is proven by your choice of wording as follows: "entirely way too small" vs. "completely different sizes."  Allow me to speak on your own terms a moment: you have totally, majorly, entirely, way-completely failed in your analysis of the situation. 

The fact of the matter is that you have purchased the incorrect sizes and want free replacements that my shop does not offer. 

In the future, when you purchase for children who do not belong to you, try to keep in mind that all children's bodies are not created equal. Just because they are 9 months old does not necessarily mean that a 9 months garment will fit them. If you want to grasp at straws when conversing, visit your local barn. I hear they have hay.

With undue respect,

The Tshirt Nazi