Customer With Super Strength

Today's notable message of the day was so amusing in its concept I felt I had to make another Nazi post to celebrate the occasion: 

The customer rather politely filed the following complaint to my inbox:

Hi Olivia,

Unfortunately the item is not the quality I anticipated. Not only is it more paper like and thin unlike a handkerchief, it was packaged so as soon as it was (carefully) opened (near the top) the handkerchief ripped because of where it was placed/packaged. Unfortunately not the purchase I would have hoped. I would like a refund for this item and would be happy to return it or send photo if need be.

Thank you,
L


Ms. L,
While it is unfortunate that the item was not the quality you expected, I would like to point out that it is indeed a handkerchief. Perhaps when you read in the description that it was 100% cotton you envisioned its thickness to be something similar to that of a 100% cotton tshirt, also sold in our shop. How much snot does a keepsake handkerchief need to hold? If you wanted a tshirt-thick handkerchief, you should've requested we print the same wording on a shirt so that you could cut it out and have it flop around in the recipient's hand like an old dishrag.
Next, you proceeded to mention that when you "carefully opened" the package the handkerchief ripped. On your behalf, we tried muscling open and tearing in any way possible the packaging and handkerchief, but to no avail. The only possible way for one to carefully open the package and manage to rip the item inside it, using just their hands, could mean only one thing: they are the Incredible Hulk. I am sorry to inform you that you may have a serious case of Hulkina. No doubt you are already quite aware of that unfortunate syndrome as each time you look in the mirror you see a green, lumpy mass. You may have also noticed that the door knobs in your house are hopelessly crunched like aluminum soda cans.
Though it is unfortunate the purchase was not what you would have hoped, it appears we are now even as you are not the customer I would have hoped. If you're going to lie, please come up with something even remotely believable.

Unconvinced,
The Tshirt Nazi

Grasping At Straws

I feel like recognizing this week as NCCW (National Customer Complaint Week). Sure, I made that up, and it's not that I want it to become a "holiday," but it feels like customers all over are recognizing and celebrating it. At my shop. For their mistakes.  

Today, I shall feature another customer who has gotten on my nerves by her obvious attempt to correct her mistake on our dollar.

She first stated:

I just received my order and the onesies are entirely way too small. Can I send them back and exchange them for a bigger size? 

Sorry for the inconvenience,

Miss M

To which I kindly replied concerning the sizes she ordered not fitting that according to our policy and custom products we are unable to accept returns, yada yada yada..

Her reply:

The onesies I received are completely different sizes than each other and they were supposed to be 9 months. So If I wanted to get these fixed, I would have to buy completely new ones?

Dear Miss M,

If the onesies were completely different sizes than each other, why was that not stated in your first convo when you contacted me about them being "entirely way too small"? While you fumble around on your keyboard trying to think up a believable answer, I will prevent your sweat glands from overworking and answer for you. What you said was a weak attempt to get us to offer you a free exchange on personalized items that you failed to order in the correct sizes. 

Perhaps the 9 mo., that is a "completely different size--bigger than the other, (completely)" would fit one of the children, since it's so much different than the other one. 

By the way, you also totally exaggerate everything, which is proven by your choice of wording as follows: "entirely way too small" vs. "completely different sizes."  Allow me to speak on your own terms a moment: you have totally, majorly, entirely, way-completely failed in your analysis of the situation. 

The fact of the matter is that you have purchased the incorrect sizes and want free replacements that my shop does not offer. 

In the future, when you purchase for children who do not belong to you, try to keep in mind that all children's bodies are not created equal. Just because they are 9 months old does not necessarily mean that a 9 months garment will fit them. If you want to grasp at straws when conversing, visit your local barn. I hear they have hay.

With undue respect,

The Tshirt Nazi